You Just Sail Away
by just-grey
Summary: None of them listen when he says he just wants to be alone, no one gets that he's finally gotten used to it and now it's all he wants. 4x04 Spoilers, Triggers.


**Title**: You Just Sail Away

**Summary**: None of them listen when he says he just wants to be alone, no one gets that he's finally gotten used to it and now it's all he wants.

**Warnings**: Depression, self-harm

**Author's Note**: Sort of a 4x04 reaction fic, but I've had this in my head before that.

* * *

The glass shatters.

(This isn't as important as it seems. But to one it is, so let it be known that the glass shatters into small, jagged pieces, so sharp and dangerous, all along the tile.)

* * *

Despite common belief, Cooper Anderson does not only think about himself.

Which is why he boards a plane at two in the morning for Lima, Ohio after receiving a very unsettling drunk phone call from his little brother.

He knows that Blaine and Kurt are at some sort of stalemate and he knows that Blaine has been feeling… well, he certainly hasn't been happy.

But this phone call, it's the _one_, the one he's been afraid of getting every since Sadie Hawkins happened.

So Cooper flies to Ohio and misses an audition that he would have landed otherwise, but it doesn't matter, because contrary to what others think, Cooper does not care more about his acting career than he does about his brother.

* * *

"I wasn't trying to kill myself," he tells him, lying on a bed of white, with bandages wrapped around his arms.

"Okay," Cooper says.

"I swear. I wasn't."

"Okay," he says, because that's all he can say.

And he thinks, _well then what else were you trying to do?_

* * *

Kurt Hummel is trying desperately to feel better. He's gone on coffee dates and lunch dates, shopping sprees and has even gone to look at kittens at the pound.

And he feels like he's doing better. It's been three months since the whole debacle with Blaine. Three months since he's spoken with Blaine.

(He refuses to tell Rachel why, even though she hounds him every second. But his father knows. He knows that if Kurt talks to Blaine, then he'll break a promise, and Kurt never breaks his promises.)

Kurt is at a relatively good place, with his fantastic job and his fabulous boss. He's got great hair and fashionable clothes, his strut is up to par with what he wants to convey to the world and his arms have never been so muscular (he's particularly proud of that one).

He feels good about himself, right here, right now.

So when Trixie lets him know that an Anderson called for him while he was on break, he feels okay about it.

Everything is fine for Kurt, he feels great, he's _fantastic_. Kurt thanks Trixie with a too bright smile and calls Blaine back, ready to finally speak to him again without that treacherous G-word lingering in his mind, only for the call to go directly to voicemail.

And then he gets angry. Because how _dare_ Blaine call him at work and then not even leave his phone on for Kurt to get the chance to call him back?

But then he thinks, _really_ thinks. Because while Blaine is sometimes idiotic and makes stupid decisions, he's never been one to be impolite.

Ever.

So Kurt finds Trixie and asks her which Anderson called for him, to which she replies, "I don't remember… a Clint? Something with a C. I don't know."

And then Kurt sort of panics.

* * *

Cooper calls his agent and tells her he's taking a hiatus.

She doesn't seem too bothered by it, though.

* * *

Blaine is different.

(Cooper's not sure how to handle this new, different, Blaine.)

* * *

Cooper hates that goddamn glass and all those stupid shards. Because if he hadn't dropped the glass at the shock of seeing his baby brother lying in a pool of crimson in his bathroom – so lifeless, so pale, so thin - then he wouldn't have run over the broken shards, cut up his feet, and fell.

If he didn't fall then maybe he would have gotten to Blaine faster and maybe the doctors would have had more time to repair the damaged nerves and then Blaine's hand wouldn't twitch and lock up and he wouldn't get this angry look on his face all the time.

Cooper hates that glass.

(But most of all he hates himself.)

* * *

Burt doesn't think it's a good idea for Kurt to see Blaine.

He remembers when that Karofsky kid was in the hospital and how torn up about it Kurt was.

And he feels horrible when he thinks, _why'd you have to go and this to him too?_

* * *

No one understands and Blaine hates it.

He hates the looks and the pitied tones in their voices and he hates their flowers and cards and prayers.

None of them listen when he says he just wants to be alone, no one gets that he's finally gotten used to it and now it's all he wants.

And then there's Kurt.

Blaine doesn't know how he feels about Kurt yet.

* * *

When he finally goes back to school, he's met with a giant banner in the choir room that says, "Welcome back, Blaine!"

He leaves the room to go throw up.

Kurt decides to call Blaine everyday, which Blaine just doesn't understand.

So now that he's broken, it's enough to pick up a phone?

* * *

Brittany's the one who finally gets him to break down.

They're eating lunch in the library - a habit that Blaine had started after his first day back when he'd been trying to avoid everyone and Brittany had instantly found him that day and innocently asked if she could join him and how could he say no? - when she turns to him and says, "Why are you so sad, Blaine?"

The question stuns him and he stares unseeing down at his mediocre salad. It's a question that no one has bothered to ask him since the night he was rushed to the hospital.

And it's so simple, of course it is, and of course it's Brittany who asks him.

But he just-

He doesn't know.

So Blaine cries over lettuce and ranch and Brittany holds him and shushes him like a child, humming an odd little lullaby into his ear.

* * *

After that things get better, marginally. Blaine starts to ignore Kurt's calls and tries – and fails – to not feel bad about it.

And then one night Kurt shows up on his doorstep, drenched from the rain and yells at him, screaming about all the things that Blaine did that made him unhappy and asking _why, why, why_?

Blaine really wants to give Kurt an answer, but he can't, so instead he kisses him.

It isn't perfect, and it doesn't solve anything, but that's all he can really say.

* * *

They don't really talk after that.

* * *

Sugar drives him to his therapist and to the pharmacy to get his prescriptions, since he can't really drive anymore because of his hand.

She never really says anything on these little excursions, which unnerves Blaine a little bit.

(Sometimes she looks at him with a tiny little smile, something like understanding in her eyes and he feels sad – with just a little bit of happiness to have such a friend - and supported at the same time.)

He'll never understand their shaky little friendship, but he guesses he doesn't really need to understand all things.

* * *

The next month, he starts forgoing the hair gel and it's like walking a tight rope.

* * *

Burt invites him over for dinner one week and he has a panic attack in their driveway before he can make himself go to their front door.

But he does manage to calm himself down and make it through the dinner, which is both awkward and uncomfortable.

Before he leaves, Burt tells him that while he can't forgive Blaine for hurting Kurt, he's always welcome in their home, just like he promised a year ago.

He also tells Blaine that he matters, and it isn't until Blaine is at home and tucked into bed that he cries and laughs at the statement at the same time.

Who would have thought, _he_ matters?

* * *

It's like living with a prison warden with Cooper. He wakes Blaine early in the morning to go for a jog, but not before he checks Blaine's still healing arms for fresh cuts, his thighs – embarrassing – his hips, stomach and legs.

Cooper says it's good to get into a routine, good for the soul.

Blaine thinks its good for Cooper's sanity, but he doesn't tell Cooper that.

* * *

It isn't that Blaine quits Glee Club. He still attends meetings and is still the captain, arranges numbers for the group and he still provides background _oohs_ and _ahs_.

He just doesn't sing by himself anymore.

And that's fine.

Right?

* * *

Tina approaches him day and says they need to go get tattoos, since she just turned eighteen.

The inner dapper gentleman in Blaine wants to tell Tina that her body is perfect the way it is and she shouldn't ruin it.

But the Blaine that's trying not to second guess everything and stress over what everybody else thinks about him says, "Okay, what do you want to get? I think I'll get a bird."

He gets a bird.

* * *

It's not even remotely close to a blackbird, no it isn't.

(_Is that like a reference to The Beatles, Blaine? How cool!_ Tina says.)

What, he's not allowed to like The Beatles now?

* * *

One day Blaine snaps at Cooper, screaming at him and telling him that everything is all his fault and how he's the worst brother in existence and maybe if he'd come sooner, when Blaine was depressed but still salvageable then this wouldn't have happened.

And then Cooper breaks down and is a sobbing mess and its Blaine's turn to shush someone and hold them.

Later he says he didn't mean any of it.

_Bad day_, he says.

* * *

Kurt is apparently dating some guy from his office.

Blaine finds out from Facebook and promptly likes the status.

* * *

He cries a little that night, makes himself stop when he hears Cooper outside his door.

He's okay; really, he just needed to cry a bit.

It's good for the soul.

(He's not too sure Cooper would get that, so he hides away in the garage with his abandoned punching bag the next time he has the urge to sob. Cooper knows never to go down there.)

* * *

Recovery is hard and relapsing is easy.

Blaine knows this and yet, as he studies the clean red little line on his hip, he can't help but hate himself a little.

He's been doing well, he's been okay. He has friends – real, true friends in Sam and Tina, sometimes Brittany and Sugar, and Mike and Quinn have been emailing him a lot; he's been taking his medication and really working through his issues with his therapist. He's slated to be co-valedictorian with Artie and he just got his acceptance letter from NYU.

So he doesn't understand, he just doesn't understand at all.

* * *

Cooper takes him out for ice cream like he used to when Blaine was five.

Blaine tells him about the cut and Cooper looks about ready to cry, but then he smiles and says, "It's okay. Thank you for telling me."

And Blaine…

Blaine doesn't get how Cooper can be so proud of him for telling him about something so awful.

* * *

He graduates and gives a speech about overcoming obstacles and it's all very cliché and very, very, perfect.

Kurt comes to the ceremony and smiles at him in a secretive little way and Blaine smiles back, genuinely, and it reaches all he way to his eyes.

They don't have a deep and meaningful conversation and they don't kiss or even hug, but Kurt hands him a little daisy, squeezes his hand, tells him that's he's proud of him and when he gets to New York to call him up and they'll get coffee.

Blaine says okay, moves on to the next person to hug and doesn't let his eyes linger on Kurt longer than necessary.

* * *

Blaine, Tina and Sam move into a crappy little two bedroom apartment. He and Sam have to share a room but it's only awkward for about the first day. They all work crazy hours and both he and Tina try to soak up all the knowledge they can at college. Sam spends a lot of his time at the comic book store down the street even when he isn't working. Tina likes to drag Blaine to dingy little bars to listen to bands that have names that Blaine spends days just trying to understand.

Sometimes he gets coffee with Kurt.

But most of the time he just reads and runs and cleans the apartment.

* * *

His father finally finds out about everything and calls him.

Blaine can hear a nurse shuffling in the background while his father speaks to him.

"Try, Blaine, you have to just – you have to _try_ to get better. I don't want you to end up like me, stuck in a loony bin for the rest of your life."

"I am trying."

His father sighs in relief over the phone and Blaine wants to say, _Why didn't you try? Why can't you be happy? Why was a wife, two kids, a good job and a big house not enough for you? What will be enough for me, dad? _

But when his father says, all quiet and perpetually sad, "You know I love you, right son?", he closes his eyes and remembers how despite the light dimming in his father's eyes year by year, he always had a smile for him and Cooper, always lifted himself up off the couch with a great big sigh when they wanted to play or go somewhere.

So he says, "I know, dad. I love you too. I'll come visit you at Christmas, okay?"

"Sure. That sounds really great, B."

* * *

One day Quinn comes to visit and she and Blaine go for a walk, hats pulled over cold ears, hands stuffed into coat pockets to try and combat the cold.

When they come across a bench Quinn sits down and Blaine follows suit, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her in close to him when she shivers.

"It's good to see you, Blaine." She says, looking right into his eyes, a very serious look on her face.

She looks tired, circles under her eyes due to constant studying, no makeup on her face and her hair hastily brushed, with crooked glasses on her nose.

Blaine smiles, squeezes her gently and tells her, "It's good to see you, too, Quinn."

* * *

They're having a dinner party for his birthday – Kurt, Rachel, Quinn and Mike are there too – but Blaine can't bring himself to walk into the building.

So he's standing outside his apartment building, staring blankly up at all the lit up lights in the dark night. He shivers, little white flurries landing weightlessly on his head.

Blaine sighs, turns around and walks away.

* * *

Sam and Tina receive the same text.

_Bad day. Don't wait up. I'll be fine._

Kurt tries not to sigh when his phone doesn't illuminate with a text from Blaine too.

* * *

They all wait up.

Rachel fidgets nervously and Tina tries to assure her that Blaine has bad days all the time and he just needs to walk it off.

Mike wants to go look for him, since he never really got the chance to help Blaine the way he wanted to the previous year, and he keeps looking guiltily out the window, Quinn standing close next to him, biting her lip and drinking wine.

Sam busies himself by making hot chocolate for Blaine to drink when he gets back and Kurt joins him in the kitchen, pulling out ingredients for pudding even though they already have a cake as dessert.

Then, when there is nothing left to do but wait, Tina pops in a movie – Amelie, Kurt notes with a smile, remembering how Blaine had been the one to actually introduce Kurt to the film, despite Kurt's love for all things French – and they sit down to watch, while Mike and Quinn still stand by the window.

At four in morning, Blaine walks through the door.

Rachel is fast asleep draped across an amused and drowsy eyed Tina and Sam is thoroughly engrossed in a Star Trek marathon. Quinn and Mike have since migrated to sit under the window and have been talking quietly for a while now.

Kurt's just getting back from the bathroom when Blaine quietly shuts the door closed.

Blaine turns around slowly and his eyes go wide when he spots Kurt standing in the entry hall, patiently waiting.

"Oh," he breathes out, licking his dry lips and shifting awkwardly in place.

Kurt smiles sleepily, holds out a hand for Blaine to take and whispers, "There you are."

* * *

Blaine does go to visit his father at Christmas.

And he brings Kurt with him.

Throughout the whole time that they dated, Blaine had never taken Kurt to meet his father. This was for many reasons, the most important being that his father was still healing and he himself was still vulnerable about the whole thing.

Blaine leads Kurt into the facility and smiles warmly at Rhonda when she signs them in and wishes them a merry Christmas. Rhonda's always had a smile for him, and she always knew when he needed a hug after a particularly bad visit.

Kurt's been quiet, but Blaine knows it isn't because he's freaked out. Blaine is trusting Kurt with something special, something precious and new, and Kurt is treasuring it, taking it in with grace and a peaceful quietness.

When Blaine spots his father he smiles, removing his hand from Kurt's to hug his dad. His dad hugs him firmly, but with a gentle touch at the same time. Kurt observes Mr. Anderson as the two hug. The man looks tired, with wiry glasses perched on his nose, his hair fully gray. He's taller than Blaine and very thin, with bushy eyebrows and hazel eyes just like his sons. When the father and son pull away, Mr. Anderson seems to notice Kurt standing to the side and he grins at Blaine.

"Is this Kurt?"

Kurt's eyes widen in surprise that he knows him, but then he figures that of course Blaine had to of told his father that he was bringing a friend with him.

Blaine smiles up at Kurt rather bashfully and he bites his lip as if trying to contain a smile.

"Yeah, dad, this is Kurt. Kurt this is my dad, Charlie."

Charlie strides toward Kurt to shake his hand and for a moment Blaine is brought back to his first day of school, when his father had walked tall and confident up to his teacher and introduced himself with a grin and a witty joke, smiling down at Blaine and holding his hand reassuringly.

Kurt shakes Charlie's hand as Blaine stares with unfocused eyes. Charlie leans into the handshake and whispers to Kurt seriously, his eyes shining, "Thank you for loving my son, Kurt."

Kurt smiles as he squeezes Charlie's hand and then lets go. He looks over at Blaine briefly to find him smiling at the two of them. "It's kind of hard not to."

* * *

It isn't that they're together again. They aren't boyfriends or lovers or partners.

But they are best friends, again.

And that feels really, _really_ good.

* * *

When Cooper visits for New Years, he goes a little crazy. He attempts to offer them money for a new apartment, and he says that Sam should come home earlier to keep Blaine company when Tina isn't there and he goes absolutely nuts when he finds their razors in the bathroom.

Blaine leaves in the middle of yet another rant and decides to see if Kurt wants to get some coffee.

When the clock strikes midnight, Kurt finds Blaine on the roof. He's surprised to find Blaine smoking and raises an eyebrow at him when Blaine glances over.

"My New Year's resolution was to try something new, something I'd always said I'd never do but that I'd always secretly wanted to. I figured no time like the present. Tina likes to pretend that me and Sam don't know that she stress smokes. She always has a pack hidden around the apartment somewhere, so." He shrugs at Kurt, grinning mischievously.

Kurt laughs, hooks his elbow with Blaine's and stares up at the sky.

"What's yours?"

Kurt tilts his chin down at stares at Blaine in confusion until he elaborates.

"Resolutions. Did you make any?"

Kurt fidgets, takes a deep breath and thinks to himself, _Why the hell not? _

"You."

"Your resolution is… me? I don't –"

Kurt sighs, slips his arm out and takes a step back, facing Blaine fully.

"I want to work on my relationship with you. We have all this… unfinished business and all these things that have gone unsaid and – well, I want to work on that."

Blaine nods slowly, brings his cigarette to mouth and hollows his cheeks to suck as he waits for Kurt to continue.

"I still love you, Blaine. I never stopped, but… I think I may have hated you at the same time, too. And I know you have to have something to say about everything that went down last year and – I just, I want to finally talk about it and move on. And then – and then if you want and if… well if we're both in a good place then maybe we can be together again. Really _be_ together. So that's my resolution."

They both stand there together in silence, letting Kurt's words float along with the snow, letting them drift onto their skin and into their souls.

Finally, Blaine says, "I'm not okay yet, Kurt. I need you to know that before we even think about getting back together. I can't promise that I'll smile at you everyday or laugh at your jokes even when they're funny. I'm still… _trying_, everyday, and I am so grateful to you for being here for me, but being my boyfriend is different and-"

Kurt interrupts him by taking the cigarette from Blaine's fingers. He watches Blaine as he takes a small drag, keeps his eyes on him as he blows the smoke out towards the buildings below. Blaine's lips curve into a smile and he eyes Kurt curiously.

"Let me try new things with you. Let me be… _not_ okay with you being sad, but let me _be_ there for you when you are anyway, even when my heart is breaking for you. I know that you aren't there yet, Blaine, but I do know that you're on your way. I just want to be the one who holds your hand while you go. Let me?"

Blaine exhales, his fingers tangling with Kurt's in a different sort of handshake, a deal maker.

"Okay."

Kurt smiles. "Okay, then."

They watch the city then, their fingers loosely linked together. And it is silent between the two of them save for the sounds below and around them, until Blaine speaks, his voice filled with amusement and laughter.

"So Kurt Hummel is officially walking on the wrong side of the tracks now. _Golly_, what would your dad say if he caught you smoking that?"

Kurt scoffs, snubs the dying light of the cigarette on the ledge and side eyes Blaine.

"He'll never know because I am never doing that again. That is _rancid_, Blaine. I don't know how Tina does that all the time, my _god_."

Blaine laughs loudly, throwing his head back, his eyes shut. Kurt laughs along with him, enjoying the sight of Blaine so carefree and unrestricted for just a moment. He mentally saves the image in his head to conjure up on days when Blaine's movements are sluggish, when he has to struggle to smile and when he seems so lost in sadness that he can't even make his body move.

He's determined to be right beside Blaine while he works to get these moments to frequent his life more often than the ones filled with the longing for happiness. Kurt knows he can't cure Blaine, that he can't force happiness upon him or make his pain go away.

But he can love him, and that includes his faults, his aliments, and all the bumps in the road.

Because he knows, has known since Blaine had mustered up his courage and asked him, _May I have this dance?_, that without Blaine his life is just one big picture missing its pieces, and with Blaine, it is that much more complete.

_It is so cliché_, Kurt thinks, _but he is, he's my missing puzzle piece_.

He sighs, rolls his eyes at himself and watches with a smile as Blaine sticks his tongue out to catch snowflakes.


End file.
